Monday, February 24, 2014

AS OF NOW



I love it when I'm in the mood to write. I just read a Thought Catalog article and I thought of sharing it here with you guys. I shared it on Facebook and Twitter but I think people might just take it the literal way that, that I don't want a boyfriend. It's not that

I agree with the author but not entirely. Just close enough, close enough.



I just think it's nice when things are easy and not serious. It's fun when things are kept light and casual. I'd love to have someone, but just not a boyfriend. I want someone by my side but not like a date as well. I've just reconsidered the word 'date' because date feels like it brings out this association with the possibility and potential of things going further and... I don't know, I kinda don't want that sort of thing right now. I don't want any progress actually. For the first time, I think I might be fine with things being stationary or stagnant. 

I don't want to know your friends. I don't want to meet your parents, or your pet. I don't want to see your baby photos. I don't want to know that much about you. I just... want you to be in the moment with me. You don't have to ask about my childhood, I'll tell you if I want to. You don't have to know about my past relationships and I don't have to ask about yours either. But if we get there, we get there.

I don't wanna go out with someone and feel the need to subtly or somehow tell people that, "Hey, I'm dating" or "We're dating" cause being someone's date is quite a big deal to me, a little pressurizing too. Especially in Singapore, and because Singapore is soooo small, you can't practice open dating. In other countries, it's probably fine to go out and hang out with more than one guy. But here, it feels a little suffocating... when you date, you immediately box yourself up into this exclusivity with this person. What's the difference between dating and being in relationship then? Dating is meant for exploration; to see if it's possible to be with that person for a "temporary long-term" period (because marriage is then the permanent long-term period right?) and it's alright to actually date more than one person guyssssssss. If we can't, isn't that somewhat in a relationship already? Unless, it's a mutual agreement to dating exclusively between the two then yeah, respect.

Wait, do I sound like a commitment-phobic? Who cares. My point is this person has to be more than a friend but less than a date. This person is ambiguous. Yes, that's it. Ambiguous is the word! Don't tell me that this term exists and it's called friends-with-benefit. Just please, don't even go there. I don't think I am capable to grasp that term right now. My mind currently works like a 20-year-old and that, to me, is a real weird relationship to have with someone especially in Singapore. Everyone kinda knows everyone here. Isn't it weird to know that your friend is fucking casually with this another friend? I don't know. Maybe I'm.... still sexually-conservative?


I don't like how being in relationship could possibly render me weak. That I might just lose control over how I feel. That my feelings will be unconsciously affected by the action of another. I don't appreciate myself naturally, gradually expose my ugly to someone who could potentially, eventually use them against me to his advantage. 

I have grown this fear towards getting hurt, that I'd rather choose the ambiguity than the certainty because nothing is ever certain anyway. The hope you get from thinking things could be certain is the first step to torment. The comfort from ambiguity might save me from hurt and I don't, maybe ever have to feel ugly in front of a person who could possibly control the way I feel.



No idea if this entry made much sense but I'm going go for a run now.
The endorphins should help clear up the mess in my head.



11:02PM

I am back from run and I hate how I always second guess what I write and if I should remove the entry at all. My mind tend to fleet from a dimension to another; from cloudy to clarity. You're lucky if alcohol works for you, cause I'm still hunting. Ok, time to hit the shower.



11:53PM

My mind doesn't seem to rest because of what might unfold tomorrow. This is why I don't keep up with our date because it's scary how our meeting could be a determining factor to how things might pan out for us. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that our unfinished business, might just finish tomorrow. Ok, time to hit the sack.


13 comments :

  1. Pretty awkward to be reading this at this timing... but i agree with what you said. I don't like how "dating" is perceived most of the time too. why settle down? its too earlyyyyy

    http://kiripaca.blogspot.com

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  2. I feel you girl. I feel EXACTLY like this. Glad i'm not the only one. xx

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  3. Exact same thoughts!!

    Sometimes I wish so much for a casual "hanging out with someone" rather the "maybe we could work out" kind of setting. The definition of "serious dating" and "casual dating". Sometimes it's hard to have someone else agreeing, without them thinking "Hey, maybe I/we have a chance" and even just that tiny bit of "maybe having a chance" kind of puts me in a stress. I just don't like that constraint, so I usually choose to back away. I rather much prefer our "titles" (if needed) to be "just friends enjoying each other's company". Maybe I'm a commitment-phobic too. Not sure if I made much sense. It's difficult to pen down thoughts when I'm sleepy. Hahaha.

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry. You made perfect sense. I understood what you said cause it's exactly what I was trying to deliver.

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  4. Hi Irina. I need help I need advices. I hope you will reply me.
    When you're alr unhappy in a relationship, will u get up
    and walk away? Well I did. But then... im super tired of getting
    to know someone and etc. I hate bad break ups but I cant help it. Urgh. I see my gfs struggling to make their relationships work.. but here I am breaking up cos I am unhappy. Do u feel me? Like they are "good" girls for staying... and holding on while im not?? Sigh.
    Thank you for reading, Irina xx
    I love reading your blog eversince I was in Secondary 3. My role model hehhee mwah!
    - Dee

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    Replies
    1. Leaving doesn't mean you're a bad girl. It simply means you know what's best for you. Please do not put yourself on a comparison with your girlfriends cause every relationship is different no matter how similar they sound. I know what you mean by it's tiring to meet someone new etc. Give yourself time even I, myself am not ready. Just do whatever it takes to make yourself happy first. Don't bother about anything else related to the heart matters. Chin up :>

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  5. Hi Irina!!!!!!!!!!! <333333333 Your entry reminds me of the lyrics from Free Love by Depeche Mode. Even though it's difficult to find someone out there who will have the exactly same perspective towards "dating" as you, but I believe he's somewhere out there .... :)

    Love, C

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    Replies
    1. Awwww, C :') I'm gonna go check out the song now!!!!

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  6. I think.. you would know it when happens. I met a guy after enrolling myself into sixth-form. He wasn't the guy I would go for but he is intelligent, honest (he can be a dickhead at times but he knows it haha) and smart. We became friends and gradually got closer. No, he did not professed his love to me in a big romantic way but in a rather embarrassing way and it was over a skype call (no regrets). Like you, I've dealt with horrible relationships in the past and that made me scared to commit to someone else ever again. But it wasn't like that at all because it didn't felt forced, there was no rush, no expectations because after all, we are still young. He is literally my best friend. We don't celebrate anniversaries or both of us hardly remember how long we have been together (because whenever someone counts the days/months/years they have been together, it feels like as though you're counting to the days of the end of the relationship.) Our dates weren't 'instagram worthy', haha! I grew to be able to trust someone again. Our relationship is simple and comfortable. Like i said, you would know 'it' when it happens.
    (I'm sorry if I sounded like I was flaunting my relationship because I really am not)

    And i hope you can find that too. There's no rush.

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  7. i couldn't agree more. this is why i find online dating so difficult -- it can be awk/pretentious/pressuring! will you just be my girlfriend already??

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