HEAT IS KILLING ME

Four-thirteen in the afternoon and the heat is killing me. I'm currently at a state when I'm easily annoyed by every single thing. The bed, the fan, the phone etc whatever. I just need to ignore these annoyance and irritation for abit, so Imma blog.

I've been home since forever. My instagram is starting to get dull. I wanna put out a notice so bad like, "This is account is current inactive till ... whenever she feels like not being a sloth." It's good to stay home; I keep my mom accompanied (she just finished a surgery), I have a lot of me-time, I have a lot of things figured out (somewhat). So I took up the squat challenge. Currently, in day 3, and my 60 squats are still pending. Gonna do them after I'm done with this entry.

250 sounds scary right? I don't know if I'll get there but I'll try. This is so tough, I swear but I'm gonna push myself to do this. If I manage to finish, holy shit, I'm snap a picture of my butt and share with y'all. Wink wink. We'll see if i can even get there in the first place hahahaha.

I went clubbing yesterday. Yes, bad bad. I know I've said stuff about clubbing, and how Im not a fan of it but I've too much memories there. I fell in and out of love in the club. I met amazing friends in the club. I learned to be more street smart in the club. I just felt the need to find myself back there. I needed yesterday to check if I was truly okay or was I pretending. Previously, whenever I hit the club, I'd feel different for I was attached. I'll feel uncomfortable, odd, out of place, so wrong about everything but yesterday amazingly, I was placed exactly back to where I was before I got into relationship. 

It felt great, free and empowering. I know I can do this now. I know I'll be okay on my own two feet. Single never felt so powerful before. And I'm so thankful for all the friends who were supportive yesterday, letting me do whatever I did, trusting me enough to let me have fun. Thank you, Amelia. (And I feel the unnecessary need to disclose that my heart almost gave way yesterday. It can't be happening so fast, it's too fast. My walls need to go higher. My heart needs to be in control. No tripping for now, no tripping.) For those who were there last night, saw me, and judged, I honestly don't give a shit because I know myself better than you do. My conscience is clear and I'm ready to roll. 

I was looking through my Facebook, browsing through my friends, photos etc. and I began to feel so angry and unjustified for most of my female friends. I don't like that their beauty are underrated by the guys they are seeing/have feelings for. They are beyond that. I honestly, felt so small when I was in the relationship. Isn't relationship supposed to make you feel better about yourself? And I don't get why now that I'm out of relationship, I'm so bitter about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not turning into an anti-relationship person. If anyone were to ask, I'd say, "I was happy, I didn't regret having to go through those pain for the joy I had." I just think relationship messed people up, that's all and you end up fixing yourself so much after that.

I wish those guys could see what I'm seeing. I've a few girlfriends having problems with their relationships. They came to me for advice. I wish I could protect them from all the undeserving hurt. Geez, of all the books out there, why hasn't someone smart come up with a dummy guide for the boys to girls?! Damn it. 

Ok, I'm done with this redundant rant. 

Time for squats! Nice ass nice ass, hop hop let's go!

It's worth the pain.